I'm sitting here waiting for time to pass because I'm waiting for my favourite tv show to start.
It starts at like 1230am. And I have to wake up at 5am tomorrow morning?
Because I need to take a bus to Tokyo, about 5 hours long. ( Yeah, I know )

That means today is my last day here.
Which kind of brought some memories back from last June 09.

In June, my grandmother was in a really bad condition, she couldn't remember anything, she doesn't even know how to turn on the tap.
She can't sleep, she barely ate, she does crazy things, she's always scared of the house, she's always saying she's stupid, she ran away from the house, she beat people.
The list goes on.
Simple things, she doesn't know. Yes, she is much worse than children.

But, I always made sure that I told her that I'm leaving. ( Even though she would forget sooner or later. )
I remembered I told her that I was leaving to Singapore.
Then, she kind of got sad for a few seconds then that's it, she started mumbling something else less important.
But the day when I was about to leave, she came into my bed in the morning and gave me a hug, started crying and hitting my back pleading with me not to leave.
At that moment, I really didn't know what to do.
Firstly, she wasn't exactly suppose to remember that and she actually felt something.
She felt my pressence.

The both of us just kept crying on the bed, hugging. She kept repeating, asking me not to leave.
But I didn't have a choice, I also kept repeating to her that I'll be back.
We stayed in that position until we slept for awhile then again, she forgot what had happened and went back to her own sick self.
I also didn't know why what I was crying like mad. Like I couldn' believe that she could remember and that she actually misses me.

This time, I also said that I was leaving.
I'm not going to write how she reacted.
It hurt.

Although I didn't want to leave so fast, I had to.

Then it came down to this trip in Dec09.
She did improve but I can't say it's the best condition.
She still cannot remember things, but she can turn on the tap now!! :D
But she doesn't know how to open the rice cooker. /;
Sometimes, she can' even remember who I am.

It hurts.
Sometimes I sit right opposite her and just stare at her talking nonsense.
I felt like as if I can' have the same person like last time. I can' have the old her back.
I am so scared that I might forget how she was like when she wasn't ill.
When I think back,
Although I don't want to say it's true,
it's the fact.

I'm starting to forget how she was like when she was well.
I'm starting to forget how she was like when she offered me food.
I'm starting to forget how she used to smile.
I'm starting to forget how she would always laugh at me.
I'm starting to forget how the food she cooked taste like.
I'm starting to forget if she really did love me before.
I'm starting to forget everything.

I don't want to come back here and see the her like that.
I want to come back here and taste her delicious cooking again. To talk to her. To laugh with her.
To just look at her. To tell her how cute she is.
But I can't.
Cause she's ill and it can't be cured because she's old, it's difficult to have an operation on her.

All I do is to be here and keep her company and stay strong.
For these past few days, although, I put up a smiling face, inside, I feel like screaming.
I always tell her that she isn't stupid, I brush her hair, I help her put on her clothes when she goes to the doctor.
I taught her how to use the toilet, how to open the rice cooker, how to start the gas up, how to stay strong.
But.
She still doesn't know.




I put up a strong front,
let me have this chance to break down and cry.